Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Three Stooges

So I've been a busy girl dating wise and I thought that it was finally time for an update. About two weeks ago I went on three dates, with three different guy, in three days. Talk about exhausting!

Monday night's date and Tuesday night's date don't really warrant their own individual paragraphs. Monday night's went well but I knew I wasn't really going to hear from him. I liked him but we clicked as friends, maybe, but that was about it. (He doesn't even get a nickname. Lame.) Tuesday's night date, Crab, was a nice guy but looked like the love-child of two male friends of mine. No thank you. (I call him Crab because he 'Can't ride a bike'. Seriously. I'm not kidding.)

Wednesday night
So Lester's profile had three pictures. Two were quasi-decent pics (ok can't keep a straight face saying that) and the third was kinda creepy. I was hoping that the third pic was just a bad one and not an accurate representation of what he actually looked like. I'm sitting in my car before our dinner date and I see someone who might be him walk towards the restaurant. Crap. Crap. Crap. He looks like the third picture. I can already tell that this isn't going to go well. I walk through the door and he sees me and offers me a handshake. Seriously. A handshake. A weak one at that. We are seated and I start looking around to see if there is anyone that I know around. (Yes I know that is very bitchy of me but I didn't care. I wasn't obvious about it. Obvious would have been seeing someone I know and sprinting for the door halfway through my pizza.) Conversation isn't too bad. We stick to things that are appropriate for first dates: some childhood stories, favorite TV series, family members, etc. We talk about our jobs and I mention that I take the bus to work. He seems really interested in this and proceeds to tell me that his dad rides the bus to work also. Great. He asks me what bus I ride and when I tell him he goes "My dad rides that one too!" Shit. I don't know why yet I feel doomed but this is foreshadowing at it's finest.

Dinner comes and he had ordered this huge burger. I don't think that it's gonna fit into his mouth unless he has special snake powers and can unhinge his jaw to swallow it whole. It was gross. I won't go into detail here because I don't want to have to relive it but think Animal Planet Special. Then he starts talking about politics and religion. Two big first date no-no's; especially when you don't agree and it gets really awkward. I am so ready for this to end. So we are about 75 minutes into the date. Dinner is done, my leftovers are boxed, check is paid. He asks what else there is to do around there because it's only 8ish. I don't really want to do anything else with this guy but I could really use a beer at this point. I suggest walking across the street and grabbing a beer at a bar. He looks at me like I have two heads and says, "I don't drink. At all. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I don't even like hanging out in a bar atmosphere having nothing but iced tea to drink." Seriously. I don't want to date another Bud but I do want to be able to go out for drinks with my friends or do other social drinking activities with the guy I end up dating. Now it's my turn to look at him like he grew another head. "It's cold, wet, and almost dark. What else do you suggest we do?" He just looks at me and goes "Well I guess we'll call it a night and do something later." He walks me to my car and I thank him for dinner. He opens his arms and is like "How about a hug?" Fine. If that is what it takes to make you go away I'll do it. So I give him a hug and I feel him pulling away slightly. I think to myself "Oh hell no. He had better not be moving in for a kiss." Crap. What am I supposed to do. I am pinned between him and my car. I move my head as far back as it will go hoping he will feel me pulling away and stop. No such luck. He actually puckers his lips. It's like a scene from a bad movie. He plants one on me, opens his eyes, and smiles. I jump into my car and tell him goodbye. I wait until he walks away and wipe my lips off with the back of my hand. I slather on all the chap stick I can manage and pull out of my spot. I give a half-hearted wave as I leave the parking lot. I'm surprised that my tires didn't squeal. I don't call, text, email him so I think he got the hint. A few days later I'm sitting on the bus when this older man who looks EXACTLY like Lester sits down across from me. It takes everything I have and then some to contain myself. I buried my nose in my book and couldn't stop giggling to myself the entire ride. I have since been riding the bus at a different time.

I don't kiss on first dates. Well that isn't always true, but those aren't really dates so much as me having had one to many drinks during a night out. :) People I meet from Internet dating are essentially strangers to me. I don't care how many times we've talked, it isn't the same as meeting in person.


Kman said...

You should have just drove off when you realized Lester really looked like his third photo.

Erika said...

I know it was probably horrible for you but that was so funny! I hink we've all had those omg-no-pleeease-don't moments on a date!