Fiddler on the Woof

So I know it's been awhile. I had started to date someone for a few months (a few months back) and for the time being have been asked not to write about him. Not by him, mind you, but by my own family. I'll get around to him eventually but for now I'm going to take a dip in the pool of my past.

I met Fiddler through yet another online dating service. I've subscribed to all of them at least once. The free ones just don't do it for me. Something sketchy about them but anyways. Fiddler and I exchanged a bunch of emails. He was tall, looked handsome from his photos, was from the same area I had been born in, like the same sports teams, and was smart. He wasn't the greatest at making me laugh but I thought that maybe electronic correspondence wasn't his forum.

We agree to meet for dinner and then attend a symphony afterward. I was thinking classy. Not so much. I get to the restaurant first and put my name in. It's spring in Ohio. Hello prom season. There are girls in fancy dresses and guys in suits all around me. I'm sitting there and a guy that looks like Fiddler starts walking toward me. Except he is in a tux. Little bow, frilly dress shirt, the whole nine yards. He goes on to explain that the symphony we are going to after dinner, he is playing an instrument in it. You've got to be kidding me! I have to sit and watch this concert by myself? What kind of date is that? Oh yeah. A lame one. Dinner wasn't that bad. It was at one of my favorite eateries. The conversation at dinner? Horrible. He wanted to talk about his project for his higher level of education completion. I consider myself a smart woman. This stuff was just over my head. Not even the smile and nod was working. After trying to explain in little words he finally gave up. I was feeling rather dumb and a little ticked off at this point. Oh well.

The concert was pretty cool. I think I was the only one there sitting by myself though. That made me feel a little lame. It ends and at this point I just want to go home but I am conned into going out for drinks with some of the people Fiddler just played with. I have a beer and head home after saying my goodbyes.

Date two was no better. Why did I go on a second date you ask? Because I can be guilted into doing things by my mother and sister. They are always telling me I don't give enough of a chance. To prove them wrong I do what they ask and always end up getting to do the "I told you so" dance. This was just like the first date. Met Fiddler before, talked for a little, and then I got to watch him play his instrument. (Typing that sounds so dirty.) This time at least I got to see Fiddler on the Roof. The play was good. The pregame and postgame not so much. At this point I can't decide what I want to do. Part of me actually kind of likes Fiddler, he's a decent guy. The other part of me doesn't. He has these little idiosyncrasies that drive me crazy. He rests his hands together on top of his gut like a pregnant lady would. I wanted to ask him when he was due. He had an odd sleeping arrangement with his dog. His dog got the bed. Not sure where Fiddler slept. Didn't really care enough to ask.

I owed it to myself (read: I don't know what I was thinking) to give it one more shot. This time I got to pick the "date". I suggested a picnic lunch in a park with just the two of us. He says that he would love to, if we brought our dogs along. It sounded like a cute idea and I was game. I packed a lunch for both of us and some extra water for the dogs. It started off ok. Well at least until the dogs met. For some reason they didn't get along. What was supposed to be a nice stroll turned into us walking on opposite sides of the path. With lunch and the walk the date lasted all of 90 minutes tops. The goodbye was the worst part. I won't go into major details but let me just say that the little kids in the car next to us got a lesson on the art of kissing that day. I didn't want to kiss him at all. Kissing is very intimate for me. If it's anything more than a peck on the lips (even though I prefer cheeks when it's a strange man kissing me) I better have given you the go ahead to do so. Fiddler sticks his tongue in my mouth and down my throat. I try pushing him away twice but he just grabbed onto me tighter and kept going. Rude. I finally manage to break free and give a little wave goodbye as I get into my car. Needless to say I think he realized that things weren't going to go any further and I didn't hear from him again.

I know I'm hard on men. I'll be the first to admit it. The only reason I am is because I'm looking for the real deal. I don't want to settle for anything less than a weak in the knees kind of love. I know it's out there. I only have to find it. Until I do I'll punish myself by dating and hopefully entertain you with my stories.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

Yesterday was St Patrick's Day. One of my favorite holidays and this year it makes it to the top of "The most bizarre holidays I've had" list. (I don't have many bizarre holidays. That's why it was able to make the list. Aside from my dating experiences I lead a normal life.)

I'm sitting around minding my own business when I get a text from a number that I don't recognize.

"Hi Cincy"

Ummm. WTF? They use my name? So I shoot back a text asking who it is.

"Gives real name"

I'm thinking to myself that I only know one guy with that name so I check my backup number list. It's where numbers go when I "delete" them from my phone. Nope doesn't match the number of the person I thought it belonged to. Crap. In the meantime I shoot back this generic message asking him how he was to buy myself some more time. We exchange a few more texts and I'm starting to get an idea of who it might be, especially after he said that we first met about a year ago. Not being 100% sure, I come clean and ask him how we know each other.

"We talked for a few weeks but never met."

That was all I needed but Jason Bateman decided to send me his picture to refresh my memory. You have got to be kidding me! You blow me off, pretend it never happened, and now, a year later, are texting me?

Jason Bateman starts asking how things have been, if I'm seeing anyone, etc. I don't want to answer but at this point I'm too intrigued not to so I keep the conversation going a bit longer.

Me: So what made you drop me a line?
JB: Always thought u were sweet. Wanted to talk
Me: Ok. So are you seeing anyone?
JB: Yea, i am
Me: Congrats. How long have you been dating your girlfriend?
JB: Bout 14 months

At this point I don't answer Jason Bateman back. You remember me being sweet a year after the fact. Did you tell your girlfriend how sweet I am? I doubt it. Does she know you are sending your picture to me? Probably not. Jerkface. I remember what an ass you turned out to be and I'm sure that she would like to know too. I'm guessing that she is the reason that we never went out in the first place. She can have you. I don't need sloppy seconds.

Deliciously White Trash

So since I've been doing the whole dating online thing since before it was popular I have some great stories. What follows happened well over 9 years ago, while I was still in high school.

So back in the day before Match.com and the like I used Yahoo. They had some kind of personals section where you could search for people, blah, blah, blah. The best part was it was free, bonus! These were the days where my parents were still leery of me meeting strange men over the internet. Not that they still aren't leery whenever I go to meet someone new but at least now I don't have to have anyone with me.

Yes you read that correctly. Have someone with me. I did it. I admit it. One of my fondest dates included me, the dude, and my younger brother. And by fondest I mean worst. Cletus and I meet on Yahoo. He had one photo and it was kind of grainy but he looked cute.

Cletus and I exchanged an email or two and then phone numbers. We talked on the phone every night for 2-3 weeks and then decided to meet. This being one of my first experiences with online dating my mom decided that my younger brother had to go along with me. I fought it at first and when she told me it was either that or not going at all I gave in and took him along. Thank goodness I did.

We meet at a local bowling alley. My brother and I get there first and were just kinda hanging out watching the people around us. There are a lot of interesting characters around us and we both focus in on one that is walking our way. No way. Dude is wearing acid wash jeans, a white t-shirt, cowboy boots, and an unbuttoned flannel shirt that had the sleeves torn off. Did I mention the mullet? Yep. Cletus had a mullet. Oh and he looked nothing like his grainy picture. It was bad.

We were only one game into the night and I was having a horrible time. I was thinking to myself how I was going to get out of this one when it hit me. I waited until Cletus went to the restroom and then told my brother we were going to get out of there and to just follow my lead. Cletus gets back and before starting another game I tell him that we had to leave because my brother had a project to finish waiting for him at home and we were going to have to cut the night short. I'm sure he knew that I was trying to fib my way out of this date but at this point I didn't care. I wanted out.

We returned our balls and shoes and said good night at the door. Cletus kinda looked like he was expecting a hug but I gave a little wave and walked with my brother to the car. It was a very awkward night, not just because I had my brother with me but this guy looked nothing like his picture. Don't put outdated photos of yourself on your profile. It's just stupid. You aren't going to fool anyone, especially me.