Rockin' out with your (insert 4 letter word that rhymes with rock that makes you think of a rooster) out

So this happened about a week ago or so but I have been laughing so hard that I couldn't type until now.

I meet yet another victim guy using an online dating site. He is cute, tall, seems to like a lot of the same things that I like, and is the definition of a good old boy. Our conversations (on his end) are peppered with words like gal, fellar, ya'll and darlin. It's kind of endearing but every time I heard one of these words it would make me giggle to myself. Oh by the way since he was a good old boy and needed a nickname he was dubbed Freebird; which becomes more and more appropriate the longer we talk.

So right off the bat he tells me that he is going to be honest with me. All I can think is Lord, what now? Every time someone tells me they want to be honest with me they tell me something creepy. So he starts talking about this girl that he met online who is being all crazy and stalking him and about jumped his bones the first time they met. Nice. I care because why? That's right I don't. He isn't interested in her so Freebird asks me how to get rid of her. I tell him to tell her that she isn't right for him as a girlfriend and she would be better off just accepting the fact that they could be friends but nothing more.

So we continue to talk some more; both on the phone and through text messages. He opens up right away about his life. He has had some hard times and some bitchy ex's let me tell you. His friend died last year and his gf at the time told him to get over it (cold). He made some stupid mistakes and lost his job at a guitar store (he plays and gives lessons) and wrecked his car. I'm feeling really sorry for the kid and kind of thinking that maybe we would be better off as friends because of all his baggage. He really seemed like a nice guy. At this point we had made a date for Thursday night. On Wednesday he told me the story that clinched the deal.

Freebird had been out drinking and drove himself home (aren't there any non-heavy drinkers out there that want to date me?). He admits it was a stupid mistake. Even dumber that he crashed his Camaro and left it in the ditch and walked the rest of the way home to sleep it off. Well an abandoned car in a ditch attracts cops like flies to sugar. The popo run the plates and show up at Freebird's house where he is roused from bed by his parents to go meet the cops outside. He is in nothing but his pj’s (which is a pair of boxers) when he goes out to meet them. He walks outside and the cops take one look at him and go "Excuse me, Mr. Freebird, we are going to need you to put that away." I start laughing so hard at this point in the story that I am crying. Seriously. Wouldn't you think to check to make sure that your junk is where it is supposed to be before talking to the cops? He goes on to tell me that his license is suspended now because of the whole incident and that I would have to come pick him up the next day for our date. I don't think so.

So it's now date day and I am stressing. I'm trying to figure out a nice way to tell Freebird that I can't go out with him anymore because I'm getting away from dating losers. I ask everyone's opinion and come up with a semi-true, quasi-safe answer. That I think it would be better that we just be friends. And in case he still wanted to go out after that that I was working late that night due to an error that was found at the last minute. He tells me ok and that’s the last I hear from him that day. At this point I don’t even want to be friends with him. To be my friend you have to have a car and a license. It’s a new rule of mine that I’ve had for the past few years now.

A few days later I’m sitting at home and get a text message from Freebird saying “gal, you ought to let a fellar take you out to dinner.” I delete it. Two days later I get another text that is along the same lines as the last one. Seriously? Didn’t you get the hint? I don’t want to talk to you. I know it was lame of me to not answer but I didn’t want to string him along anymore than I think I already did.