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Fiddler on the Woof

So I know it's been awhile. I had started to date someone for a few months (a few months back) and for the time being have been asked not to write about him. Not by him, mind you, but by my own family. I'll get around to him eventually but for now I'm going to take a dip in the pool of my past.

I met Fiddler through yet another online dating service. I've subscribed to all of them at least once. The free ones just don't do it for me. Something sketchy about them but anyways. Fiddler and I exchanged a bunch of emails. He was tall, looked handsome from his photos, was from the same area I had been born in, like the same sports teams, and was smart. He wasn't the greatest at making me laugh but I thought that maybe electronic correspondence wasn't his forum.

We agree to meet for dinner and then attend a symphony afterward. I was thinking classy. Not so much. I get to the restaurant first and put my name in. It's spring in Ohio. Hello prom season. There are girls in fancy dresses and guys in suits all around me. I'm sitting there and a guy that looks like Fiddler starts walking toward me. Except he is in a tux. Little bow, frilly dress shirt, the whole nine yards. He goes on to explain that the symphony we are going to after dinner, he is playing an instrument in it. You've got to be kidding me! I have to sit and watch this concert by myself? What kind of date is that? Oh yeah. A lame one. Dinner wasn't that bad. It was at one of my favorite eateries. The conversation at dinner? Horrible. He wanted to talk about his project for his higher level of education completion. I consider myself a smart woman. This stuff was just over my head. Not even the smile and nod was working. After trying to explain in little words he finally gave up. I was feeling rather dumb and a little ticked off at this point. Oh well.

The concert was pretty cool. I think I was the only one there sitting by myself though. That made me feel a little lame. It ends and at this point I just want to go home but I am conned into going out for drinks with some of the people Fiddler just played with. I have a beer and head home after saying my goodbyes.

Date two was no better. Why did I go on a second date you ask? Because I can be guilted into doing things by my mother and sister. They are always telling me I don't give enough of a chance. To prove them wrong I do what they ask and always end up getting to do the "I told you so" dance. This was just like the first date. Met Fiddler before, talked for a little, and then I got to watch him play his instrument. (Typing that sounds so dirty.) This time at least I got to see Fiddler on the Roof. The play was good. The pregame and postgame not so much. At this point I can't decide what I want to do. Part of me actually kind of likes Fiddler, he's a decent guy. The other part of me doesn't. He has these little idiosyncrasies that drive me crazy. He rests his hands together on top of his gut like a pregnant lady would. I wanted to ask him when he was due. He had an odd sleeping arrangement with his dog. His dog got the bed. Not sure where Fiddler slept. Didn't really care enough to ask.

I owed it to myself (read: I don't know what I was thinking) to give it one more shot. This time I got to pick the "date". I suggested a picnic lunch in a park with just the two of us. He says that he would love to, if we brought our dogs along. It sounded like a cute idea and I was game. I packed a lunch for both of us and some extra water for the dogs. It started off ok. Well at least until the dogs met. For some reason they didn't get along. What was supposed to be a nice stroll turned into us walking on opposite sides of the path. With lunch and the walk the date lasted all of 90 minutes tops. The goodbye was the worst part. I won't go into major details but let me just say that the little kids in the car next to us got a lesson on the art of kissing that day. I didn't want to kiss him at all. Kissing is very intimate for me. If it's anything more than a peck on the lips (even though I prefer cheeks when it's a strange man kissing me) I better have given you the go ahead to do so. Fiddler sticks his tongue in my mouth and down my throat. I try pushing him away twice but he just grabbed onto me tighter and kept going. Rude. I finally manage to break free and give a little wave goodbye as I get into my car. Needless to say I think he realized that things weren't going to go any further and I didn't hear from him again.

I know I'm hard on men. I'll be the first to admit it. The only reason I am is because I'm looking for the real deal. I don't want to settle for anything less than a weak in the knees kind of love. I know it's out there. I only have to find it. Until I do I'll punish myself by dating and hopefully entertain you with my stories.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

Yesterday was St Patrick's Day. One of my favorite holidays and this year it makes it to the top of "The most bizarre holidays I've had" list. (I don't have many bizarre holidays. That's why it was able to make the list. Aside from my dating experiences I lead a normal life.)

I'm sitting around minding my own business when I get a text from a number that I don't recognize.

"Hi Cincy"

Ummm. WTF? They use my name? So I shoot back a text asking who it is.

"Gives real name"

I'm thinking to myself that I only know one guy with that name so I check my backup number list. It's where numbers go when I "delete" them from my phone. Nope doesn't match the number of the person I thought it belonged to. Crap. In the meantime I shoot back this generic message asking him how he was to buy myself some more time. We exchange a few more texts and I'm starting to get an idea of who it might be, especially after he said that we first met about a year ago. Not being 100% sure, I come clean and ask him how we know each other.

"We talked for a few weeks but never met."

That was all I needed but Jason Bateman decided to send me his picture to refresh my memory. You have got to be kidding me! You blow me off, pretend it never happened, and now, a year later, are texting me?

Jason Bateman starts asking how things have been, if I'm seeing anyone, etc. I don't want to answer but at this point I'm too intrigued not to so I keep the conversation going a bit longer.

Me: So what made you drop me a line?
JB: Always thought u were sweet. Wanted to talk
Me: Ok. So are you seeing anyone?
JB: Yea, i am
Me: Congrats. How long have you been dating your girlfriend?
JB: Bout 14 months

At this point I don't answer Jason Bateman back. You remember me being sweet a year after the fact. Did you tell your girlfriend how sweet I am? I doubt it. Does she know you are sending your picture to me? Probably not. Jerkface. I remember what an ass you turned out to be and I'm sure that she would like to know too. I'm guessing that she is the reason that we never went out in the first place. She can have you. I don't need sloppy seconds.

Deliciously White Trash

So since I've been doing the whole dating online thing since before it was popular I have some great stories. What follows happened well over 9 years ago, while I was still in high school.

So back in the day before Match.com and the like I used Yahoo. They had some kind of personals section where you could search for people, blah, blah, blah. The best part was it was free, bonus! These were the days where my parents were still leery of me meeting strange men over the internet. Not that they still aren't leery whenever I go to meet someone new but at least now I don't have to have anyone with me.

Yes you read that correctly. Have someone with me. I did it. I admit it. One of my fondest dates included me, the dude, and my younger brother. And by fondest I mean worst. Cletus and I meet on Yahoo. He had one photo and it was kind of grainy but he looked cute.

Cletus and I exchanged an email or two and then phone numbers. We talked on the phone every night for 2-3 weeks and then decided to meet. This being one of my first experiences with online dating my mom decided that my younger brother had to go along with me. I fought it at first and when she told me it was either that or not going at all I gave in and took him along. Thank goodness I did.

We meet at a local bowling alley. My brother and I get there first and were just kinda hanging out watching the people around us. There are a lot of interesting characters around us and we both focus in on one that is walking our way. No way. Dude is wearing acid wash jeans, a white t-shirt, cowboy boots, and an unbuttoned flannel shirt that had the sleeves torn off. Did I mention the mullet? Yep. Cletus had a mullet. Oh and he looked nothing like his grainy picture. It was bad.

We were only one game into the night and I was having a horrible time. I was thinking to myself how I was going to get out of this one when it hit me. I waited until Cletus went to the restroom and then told my brother we were going to get out of there and to just follow my lead. Cletus gets back and before starting another game I tell him that we had to leave because my brother had a project to finish waiting for him at home and we were going to have to cut the night short. I'm sure he knew that I was trying to fib my way out of this date but at this point I didn't care. I wanted out.

We returned our balls and shoes and said good night at the door. Cletus kinda looked like he was expecting a hug but I gave a little wave and walked with my brother to the car. It was a very awkward night, not just because I had my brother with me but this guy looked nothing like his picture. Don't put outdated photos of yourself on your profile. It's just stupid. You aren't going to fool anyone, especially me.

Two birds, one stone.

So I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail here because Canadian Bacon reads this. Let me just say that what could have been very good, ended up being very bad. At the very least we are still friends and I wish CB the best of luck. And on a side note Canadian bacon is not real bacon. It's an impostor. Don't let them fool you.

Now on to the guy that was supposed to get my mind off of CB. I met The Flying Opossum through an online dating site. I'm really starting to see a pattern emerge here. Meet a guy, go out a few times (if ever) and then the crazy emerges.

The Flying Opossum contacts me last Monday. We send a few emails back and forth and then exchange phone numbers. Let me just tell you from experience if you have the option to either exchange email addresses or phone numbers or heck, even both, never let them know your last name. It's the only line of defense you have. So we talk and set something up for Friday night. I'm really looking forward to this.

Friday night we meet for dinner and have a few beers at this outside mall/movie theater place. Things are going pretty good so he asks if I want to go over to the car show across the street. I like cars. I don't know much about them but they are pretty to look at. While walking around looking at the cars he grabs my hand and holds onto it. Too cute. We spend around 30 minutes looking at cars but the highlight of that part of the evening, at least for me, was the monkey. Seriously. I saw a monkey! A real, live one that was sitting on some lady's shoulder. I wanted to go pet it but then scared myself into not doing it. Especially since it was the same kind of monkey that carried the deadly virus that was in the movie Outbreak and Dustin Hoffman wasn't around to save me. (Over-active imagination hard at work here folks.)

We go back over and buy tickets for a showing of The Dark Knight. Since we have some time to kill before the movie The Flying Opossum and I go grab another drink. I get a fruity fru-fru drink and he orders the same. Kinda lame but whatever. There's a stereotype for you. This is my second time seeing The Dark Knight and I was still really focused on it. He did the good 'ole reliable yawn and stretch and put his arm around me. I wanted to be all like "Don't bother me, this movie is fantastic," but I didn't. I was nice about it. The night ends with a light kiss on the lips. Not my usual style but at the time I wasn't too upset about it.

Saturday he texts me and asks me if I want to come to a cookout he is having on Sunday. I say sure. The Flying Opposum then tells me that it is going to be me, him, and his parents. I don't want to do this yet but the "angels" on my shoulder tell me that I should. Sunday was good but it wasn't. I ended up spending my first 45 minutes alone with The Flying Opposum's mother at his apartment. He is really into anything that deals with aviation and planes and his apartment was decorated accordingly. Oh the reason he wasn't there when I got there? The FO had some car trouble that him and his dad had to go take care of. His parents are nice country people. I have friends that are country people. After meeting his parents I can never ever make fun of those friends again. Pets The FO had while growing up: squirrels, raccons, opposums, rats, mice, guinea pigs, other small rodents, a miniature donkey, cats, and the list goes on. His mom still rescues opposums. I'm sorry but I can't find anything cute about them. Their pointy nose and their shrewd beady eyes, not to mention the naked tail. Eww. And his dad talked like that coach from The Waterboy that noone can understand but it wasn't that bad...yet.

We have dinner, I serve dessert and then as a group go to tour his office. Whoa. Isn't this a bit too much a bit too fast. We just met I am not your girlfriend. His parents leave and he wants me to stay longer and watch a movie. I got to pick so was all like "Sure." I pick a movie that I hadn't seen and he all tries to make out with me while it's on. I look at him and as nicely as I can tell him that he is distracing me and I really want to see this. He is starting to move just a bit fast for me here and is kind of creeping me out.

Monday night I hear from him so we make plans for Wednesday night. He also wants to know what I'm doing so that we can go out. That night. Isn't that a bit last minute and a little much. He wants to know what I'm doing Tuesday night. Seriously. He also had some lewd comments to make about the exercises that I was doing while talking to him. Not going to get into it but when I called him out on it he had nothing good to say. I cancelled our date on Wednesday.

I am not desperate. I am not looking for someone who has to be with me every single second of every single day. I like it when a man comes on strong but there is a line and it was crossed. From now on creepers need not apply.

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* And you're done!

Tonight was supposed to be my second date with Finance. I say supposed to be because it never happened. I have a sixth sense about crap like this and saw something like it coming.

It started Wednesday night. Finance wanted me to call him when I got home. I told him it could possibly be late because I was going shopping with a friend and had to edit my sister's paper. He told me it was no problem. Ok, cool. I went to the mall with one of the A's and got a new shirt to wear Friday night. (Thanks Aunt M for the gift card!) By the time that I got home and finished everything I had to do it was 10:15 PM. I send him a text asking him if he was still up. He shoots back, "I am really tired and already in bed." That's fine. I'm tired myself. It's been a long day and shopping always wears me out.

Thursday morning I don't get a text from him. Since we started talking he has always sent me one when he woke up in the mornings. I think this is weird but don't worry about it too much. Finance also sends me multiple texts throughout the day. I get nothing from him so I send him one later on and all he has to say in reply is that he is busy at work. Since I didn't get the chance to call him on Wednesday I decided I would call him when I got home from work on Thursday. He doesn't answer and I leave him a voicemail. I get nothing from him Thursday night. By now my jerk sensor is going off. I'm hoping that I'm wrong and push it out of my mind.

It's now today, Friday, date day. I woke up early, got all my stuff together, and drove to work. I don't drive to work, I take the bus. For me to drive it's a big deal. It's noon and I still haven't heard from him so I shoot him an email asking if we are still on for tonight. Nothing. By now I am getting kind of mad. At least have the courtesy to tell me we aren't on for dinner anymore.

I don't hear from Finance until 3:15 PM, two hours before we are supposed to meet for dinner. When I do hear from him I feel like an ass. He tells me that he was in an accident involving his four wheeler, was knocked unconscious, and broke his arm. OMG! I get messages from him like, "I'm alive thats all that really matters." And, "Its better than it could have been." For the next half hour he has me feeling sorry for him.

Then I get this, "Lol. Had ya goin. Didnt actually get hurt. Ha ha!" You effing asshole. I felt sorry for you. I was ready to forgive the fact that you were acting like a tool the past few days. I don't say anything in reply. My phone beeps again. "But you are going to be mad at me though." He cancelled on me. Want to know why? He blew me off because he got an effing ticket to the baseball game tonight. You do not blow off a second date for a baseball game and expect the girl to be understanding. I bought a new shirt, I got waxed, I shaved my legs. I had a lot of time and money vested into something that was never going to happen. I don't say anything in reply. I am done. Whatever Jerkface.

Seriously. He went from nice guy to asshole in a finger snap. Who makes up a story about a broken arm to get sympathy? A sick, twisted fuck, that's who. Excuse my language but I'm just a little ticked off. I delete his number, I remove him as a friend on the social networking site where we met, and I delete his email address. I don't need this. There are too many other real nice guys out there to waste any more of my time on this one.

How do I detest thee? Let me count the ways.

Last Friday I had a lunch date with Finance (he is an accountant). He is this guy that I have been talking to since the middle of April. Where did I meet him you ask? It's a funny story. I veered away from the traditional online dating sites and branched out a little bit. I actually met him through a free online networking site.

We exchanged a few messages through this online networking site and then moved to real email. From there the medium changed to texting and calling. Finance was easy to talk to, super sweet, and seemed really into me. He would send me a message first thing in the morning and we would "talk" throughout the whole day. The only thing I didn't like was how busy he was. He kept saying things like, "We really need to meet soon." Or,"I really want to meet you in person soon." Could he ever make plans? No. He always had something going on. There were a few times I was ready to just give up. I enjoyed being chased but after so long I start to tire of it when the chasing party doesn't catch me. I'm no track star.

So Finance finally makes solid plans to meet up with him for lunch last Friday. It was the perfect first date. It didn't drag on and on. It lasted a hour and that was it. I wish all first dates were like that; it's really dreadful when they are bad and seem to go on forever. The best part was there wasn't a single thing I didn't like about him after meeting him in person. That is a huge accomplishment for me. I don't go out on many second dates because I am kinda picky and I usually find something during the first date that turns me off. Hence second dates are rare.

He doesn't kiss on first dates either. We like the same football team. We are both originally from the same state. Our baseball teams are mortal enemies but I can forgive him that since I am not a huge baseball fan. He has a degree and a full time job. He opened doors for me. I know people that know him so I can get references. He is cute and makes me laugh. Twice now he has dropped hints that he would like to date, exclusively.

Finance sent me a message right after the date when I was driving home telling me what a good time he had and how he couldn't wait to get together again soon. We made plans for tomorrow. A dinner date and then possibly a movie or something afterwards. Since I picked the time and place for our first date I told him he was in charge of the second one. I'm excited. Wish me luck.

The Three Stooges

So I've been a busy girl dating wise and I thought that it was finally time for an update. About two weeks ago I went on three dates, with three different guy, in three days. Talk about exhausting!

Monday night's date and Tuesday night's date don't really warrant their own individual paragraphs. Monday night's went well but I knew I wasn't really going to hear from him. I liked him but we clicked as friends, maybe, but that was about it. (He doesn't even get a nickname. Lame.) Tuesday's night date, Crab, was a nice guy but looked like the love-child of two male friends of mine. No thank you. (I call him Crab because he 'Can't ride a bike'. Seriously. I'm not kidding.)

Wednesday night
So Lester's profile had three pictures. Two were quasi-decent pics (ok can't keep a straight face saying that) and the third was kinda creepy. I was hoping that the third pic was just a bad one and not an accurate representation of what he actually looked like. I'm sitting in my car before our dinner date and I see someone who might be him walk towards the restaurant. Crap. Crap. Crap. He looks like the third picture. I can already tell that this isn't going to go well. I walk through the door and he sees me and offers me a handshake. Seriously. A handshake. A weak one at that. We are seated and I start looking around to see if there is anyone that I know around. (Yes I know that is very bitchy of me but I didn't care. I wasn't obvious about it. Obvious would have been seeing someone I know and sprinting for the door halfway through my pizza.) Conversation isn't too bad. We stick to things that are appropriate for first dates: some childhood stories, favorite TV series, family members, etc. We talk about our jobs and I mention that I take the bus to work. He seems really interested in this and proceeds to tell me that his dad rides the bus to work also. Great. He asks me what bus I ride and when I tell him he goes "My dad rides that one too!" Shit. I don't know why yet I feel doomed but this is foreshadowing at it's finest.

Dinner comes and he had ordered this huge burger. I don't think that it's gonna fit into his mouth unless he has special snake powers and can unhinge his jaw to swallow it whole. It was gross. I won't go into detail here because I don't want to have to relive it but think Animal Planet Special. Then he starts talking about politics and religion. Two big first date no-no's; especially when you don't agree and it gets really awkward. I am so ready for this to end. So we are about 75 minutes into the date. Dinner is done, my leftovers are boxed, check is paid. He asks what else there is to do around there because it's only 8ish. I don't really want to do anything else with this guy but I could really use a beer at this point. I suggest walking across the street and grabbing a beer at a bar. He looks at me like I have two heads and says, "I don't drink. At all. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I don't even like hanging out in a bar atmosphere having nothing but iced tea to drink." Seriously. I don't want to date another Bud but I do want to be able to go out for drinks with my friends or do other social drinking activities with the guy I end up dating. Now it's my turn to look at him like he grew another head. "It's cold, wet, and almost dark. What else do you suggest we do?" He just looks at me and goes "Well I guess we'll call it a night and do something later." He walks me to my car and I thank him for dinner. He opens his arms and is like "How about a hug?" Fine. If that is what it takes to make you go away I'll do it. So I give him a hug and I feel him pulling away slightly. I think to myself "Oh hell no. He had better not be moving in for a kiss." Crap. What am I supposed to do. I am pinned between him and my car. I move my head as far back as it will go hoping he will feel me pulling away and stop. No such luck. He actually puckers his lips. It's like a scene from a bad movie. He plants one on me, opens his eyes, and smiles. I jump into my car and tell him goodbye. I wait until he walks away and wipe my lips off with the back of my hand. I slather on all the chap stick I can manage and pull out of my spot. I give a half-hearted wave as I leave the parking lot. I'm surprised that my tires didn't squeal. I don't call, text, email him so I think he got the hint. A few days later I'm sitting on the bus when this older man who looks EXACTLY like Lester sits down across from me. It takes everything I have and then some to contain myself. I buried my nose in my book and couldn't stop giggling to myself the entire ride. I have since been riding the bus at a different time.

I don't kiss on first dates. Well that isn't always true, but those aren't really dates so much as me having had one to many drinks during a night out. :) People I meet from Internet dating are essentially strangers to me. I don't care how many times we've talked, it isn't the same as meeting in person.

Dating. Ur doin it wrong.

Here we go again.

At this point Pretty Pretty and I have only spoken and seen each other once in person (the night we met) and have been having a textual relationship thus far. I don't mind texting, really. But I do like having real conversations with people and even seeing them from time to time. PP says that he wants to do something for real and when I tell him to pick a day I don't hear from him from two again. Whatever.

So PP finally got back to me and we made plans for last Tuesday night. I picked the day and the time, the least he could do is pick a place right? I think that should be easy, even for a meat head like him. Boy was I wrong. I waited all day to hear from him on a place to meet. I kinda knew that this was going to happen so I had made other plans just in case. Glad that I did. So Wednesday rolls around and I get yet another text from PP asking me what happened to Tuesday night. Seriously? All you had to do was pick a place. That's it. I'm starting to get really angry and I want to tell him to lose my number when he plans yet another date for Thursday night.

ARGH! This kid is stupid. You have not bothered to make solid plans once yet. Why should I expect anything different this time. But I tell him sure. My favorite quote right now is "I don't love you. I'm just passing the time." This fits great with my current dating attitude. So we make plans for last Thursday night and of course I make back up plans. I know that I'm going to need them. I know this guys MO now. He will not catch me by surprise. Once again I get blown off. No message, nothing. Whatever jerkface. I'm so done. I delete his number and make my plans for the weekend.

So Friday night I'm out with my sister and her boyfriend when I get a call from a Florida area code. WTF? I know of one person with a FL area code and if he is even calling me then he has got some chutzpah. I answer the phone and say hello. It's kinda loud and I can't hear anything on the other end. After 15 seconds I hang up. They never call back and I forget about it.

This morning I wake up and look at my phone. One new text. I open it up and just start laughing. It's from Pretty Pretty. His name didn't show up (like I said I deleted his number) but who else would say to me "what up babe been a minute...i just got back from florida"? No shit it's been a minute. It's been a whole bunch of them. Then it dawned on me that he quite possible could have been the one calling me from FL. I'm really glad that I am able to have such a great sense of humor about this. I know that it might possibly drive someone else crazy.

You smell kinda pretty. Wanna smell me?

So I met a guy Friday night that has less game than Johnny Bravo. For those of you that don't remember the show or didn't even know it existed that's some pretty bad game.

It's Friday night, I'm out with friends and I've been drinking. I end up making best friends with the DJ. I get him to play every song that my group requests. I dance with people I know and don't know out on the dance floor and have a blast. Towards the end of the night I decide that I am going to make friends with the three single guys sitting at the bar. This is where the fun starts. I would stand there and talk to said boys for 5-10 minutes and then go back to my friends and complain about what big losers they were. Laugh it up and go right back for some more punishment.

There was one in particular that I befriended and we'll call him Pretty Pretty. Now why you ask did I choose to dub him Pretty Pretty? Because of a text message that I ended up sending him after we left the bar (which I'll get to later). Apparantly I got all three of their numbers and at first thought that I had given out one of my besties number in return (didn't happen, sigh of relief). Anyways PP starts texting me as soon as we leave the bar. I get all kinds of the same message. "Ur so hot" "Ur so cute" This of course is starting to inflate my head just a bit and my less than sober self is debating how best to respond. I end up sending this little gem, "Thank you. You're pretty pretty yourself." I read this the next morning and wanted to die! "You're pretty pretty yourself." Seriously? OMG. Now I'm never going to hear from PP again.

Turns out that PP doesn't mind me telling him that he is pretty. I get a whole bunch of messages asking when we are going to see each other for real and he keeps telling me how hot I am. My favorite message from him has to be "yeah right...as if u dnt hear this often...u know u r hot...get over it" Seriously. I don't hear it all the time. I especially don't hear it often enough for me to not to have just a little ego boost. He sends me a picture just in case I didn't remember what he looked like. Boy is ripped. In the pics that he sent me it almost looks like he has bigger pecs than I do (hard to believe). ;)

It's now Tuesday and he is still bugging me about going out for real. I told him that most nights are good for me after I'm done at the gym and he still hasn't gotten the hint. All he has to do is say "Let's go out x night and do x." Be decisive, make a decision, and when you do let me in on it.